Sliding into Musical Oblivion

After four years of dashed hopes, thousands of hours of home practice, a great many two-course meals cooked for unappreciative musicians, two expensive music courses where I never had a set drummer who could be bothered turning up and practising, I am feeling obliged to accept reality and call it quits for now on my time as a bassist. I'm about to disappear completely from the scene.

Disappointment is too minor a word for it. I never expected to have to deal with the darker side of humanity when all I have ever wanted to do was play my bass in a serious band. A band that held itself together, a band where members practised numbers and attended band rehearsals regularly, where female members were treated with respect and courteous communication occured. It never happened.

Instead I have been pursued by multiple predatory males posing as 'friends' who would never accept I was only in it for the music; stalked outside my bedroom (very scarey), ghosted, sexually aggressed (thankfully in a minor way, but still) and bullied much of the time, even in front of others. I get rung on the phone at midnight by guys trying to get me over to their places to play so I can be 'plugged in' as they refer to it. When I don't eventually succomb to their efforts to persuade me to have a 'relationship' with them they suddenly never contact me again and thus my ability to perform disappears.  I have had utter consistency in deplorable behaviour from people who have, in many cases, been playing for decades. It's not a gender thing or even necessarily an age thing though the guys around my age are the worst. I am not exaggerating - just a few examples so you can get the picture as to why I have reached this dreadful decision.

Last year, after travelling 50kms there and back each week for band practices over five months, I was summarily fired from the band because on one occasion I told a guy's big dog to stop jumping up on me and raking my thighs with its claws because it hurt. I simply told it to stop, I didn't even swear.  "Take your shitty little bass and your shitty little amp and fuck off," he snarled at me. I learned I had no value and thus didn't warrant any respect for my dedication to the group.

Three years ago I was invited to audition for a 3-piece so confirmed keys and prepared the songs. When I turned up the guy deliberately changed the keys of all the work I had prepared. I asked him why he had invited me to audition and he replied it was because I 'looked good in leather', and then grabbed my bass out of my hands and helped himself to my expensive Fender (bad muso etiquette).

On another occasion last year after practising music and having some home-cooked nosh a guy suddenly strips off his shirt in my lounge and insists on staying overnight. I shouldn't have to deal with this. I give them NO encouragement and always clearly lay out the ground rules at the beginning but it just keeps happening, getting ugly when things don't match their agenda. Is it because I am a female bassist? I don't know but it is unacceptable behaviour and now there isn't even that. Do ageism and misogyny exist in the Christchurch music scene? Hell, yes!!

With no-one to play with I can't perform or even do open mics so I cannot progress and it's certainly not fun alone at home. I feel I am a competent-enough bassist now for any rock, blues and even a bit of jazz and could handle country quite easily. I read standard notation, tabulation and chord charts, I work really hard, can create my own walking bass lines, always present myself well at performances and have good quality gear but it has been to no avail. No genuine opportunities in four struggling years so I've run out of options. It shouldn't be THIS hard.

THIS all began when I started teaching myself bass during the covid lockdown and surprised myself at how my instrument seduced me. I've learned a lot of theory and explored the real estate of my fretboard. I've also managed to get much of my singing voice back after my vocal chords were damaged by a long stint in ICU in 2022 so I'm interested in singing background as well as some lead vocals. I'm more confident in creating my own basslines but really wish I could have been at least once in a situation with a competent and reliable drummer to complement me in the rhythm section.

I've played with the best - I play covers with top bands on YouTube to prepare my repertoire (lol). That's all very well but it is very solitary and what I really want is working in with other dedicated musicians.

I've met quite a few local musicians but mostly their interest is superficial and extremely temporary. Many have drugs, alcohol and mental health issues they are not dealing with. There are quite a few with toxic personalities and I've had enough of being bullied every time I see them. For the past few years I've turned up at events on my own hoping to run into fellow musos who would like to put a group together, but it hasn't happened. My experience of putting my own band together was truly demoralising.

Is this decision permanent? It will be if I never get honest interest from musicians who do not have a predetermined 'relationship agenda', or are not people who mean what they say. I remain open to possibilities but have to accept they are unlikely.

I shall have to reinvent myself again in some different way.

I haven't yet packed my gear away in the spare room, in case I want to potter on my beloved instrument, from time to time, but there is an immense sadness I will just have to deal with; losing hopes and dreams and my creative outlet. At least I can say I gave it my best and treated other musicians with enthusisam and courtesy. I'm cleaning out many of my Facebook 'contacts'/fake friends as part of my grieving and moving on.

So 2025 is going to be a different sort of year and all the poorer for the loss of music but I'll put my brain into coming up with stuff to keep me meaningfully occupied.

My heartfelt thanks to those musicians who did attend band practices and who did appreciate working with me. You kept me going as long as I have. 

Rue Grehan, Akaroa - French historical cottage

 

I am a member of the Libeau French family. They are one of the families that originally settled Akaroa, hoping it would be be part of France. As we all know they were in for a shock when they arrived in 1840 (10 years before the main English settlers) to see the British flag flying from Green Point instead of the Tricoleur. 

For such a long time Akaroa managed to hold on to what made it special, it's Frenchness, but in recent years due to unsympathetic persons in league with a wilfully ignorant media that specialness has been scraped away and much genuine heritage information lost. Part of my life's mission, if you like, is to try to preserve some of the knowledge disappearing with folks my age and older. How to do this? Get it online. This is the first in a three-part series on settler cottages associated with my Libeau family and the current situation in Akaroa.

When I came back to NZ from France I did consider moving to Akaroa but properties are very expensive there, there is almost no serviced land to build a new home nearby and the one subdivision on the scraped top of the hills above Duvauchelles had amazing views with incredible winds sweeping across the harbour and no flat land for gardening. And then there’s the ‘hill’; a major impediment if you need anything that tiny Akaroa cannot supply, especially a fully equipped hospital. So, no. It’s too isolated for many older folks who may at some point lose their licenses.

One of our historic Libeau cottages came up for sale at the end of last year. I was determined to have a look though I didn’t have the money to buy it. 

This former workers’ cottage built by Joseph Libeau Snr is steeped in our history and it looks lovely from the outside. The garden is charming but as I wandered around with a practised eye I noticed that the paintwork in most areas was poor quality and literally seemed to be painted over the defects. There were cracks and pieces of trim missing, with no attempt to fix things up for the open homes. Lights not working, some furnishings were threadbare. I have included a link to a short real estate video on this property and am unsure how long it will remain online.

 The owners had made a pleasing effort with the garden layout and maintenance. It was suitably cottagey.

I noticed some crockery embedded in concrete beside the garden. I was informed that they were the remains of plates unearthed when improvements were made to the heating of the house. A nice touch, I thought, that a bit of our history is visible every day in the garden.

The kitchen seemed typically old French style prevalent even today, hard to work in with almost no cupboards. It did seem to be in a reasonable state though I don’t know if
it has enough power points and lights. Lots of interesting clutter. Generally the presentation was patchy at best, rather too jumbly though mostly clean but they may have been better to have staged the lounge area instead of the old ‘tatty stuff’ that degraded it all.

If I had had the money I would have liked to have bought it as a holiday home and improved the interior but not at the prices expected. This property has been sold every few years, owners don’t stay. One of the previous owners was nosing around the day I was ‘nosing’ too. It is not the most ‘upmarket’ of the Libeau cottages still existing. Section 501sqm, house 100sqm,  3 bedrooms and one bathroom. 

Improvements have added a lot of charm and it looks good in the photos but up close there’s clearly better upkeep to be done. I'm pleased the cottage is still being lived in though, to preserve it.

60 Rue Grehan is listed Historic Place category 2 number 7354 as of 12th December 1996.

, 

Lot 1 DP 55440 (RT CB33F/498)     $760 000 was the previous selling price and the current owners wanted significantly more in the $800,000s. The sale price was $810,000 November 2023. It is already valued well over $900,000.

Watch a short video on the cottage still online https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iXQ4xmvhnc

 

 

 

DNA testing for my roots

 

My daughter shouted me an Ancestry DNA kit. Great idea, as I have been interested in my genealogy for quite some time and there are gaping holes in my knowledge of my father's true family. 

Dad was abandoned by his birth mother Eva and her family and thrown in an orphanage in Christchurch. I don't know which one nor how long he lived there but he did run away three times so it must have been a few years. Some time after that he was fostered by an old lady ancient enough to be his grandmother. There was no man in the house, just women who smoked like trains, drank and had unprotected sex so it wasn't a great environment to grow up in. 

Whenever I had to visit that house with my parents I felt very uncomfortable there amongst the nicotine fumes, was bitten by their dog and the only redeeming thing was if you waited in silence long enough there might be some chocolate finger biscuits for afternoon tea.

Dad did, however, appreciate the fact he had been adopted and showed he had talents in painting and playing music - in particular the button accordion and the harmonica and was in Skippers Harmonica Band touring NZ for several years.

Dad left school at the age of 12 so his education was very basic. He did his best to be a self-made man. Dad took up a jewellery apprenticeship for six years. Not long after he got a full manufacturing jeweller position he was made redundant and survived installing Wormald Fire alarms. Eventually he got another jewellery position and there was no looking back. He was creative and super talented at solving technical problems. One day he said a gang member had come up the stairs to his workshop on High Street wanting a piston pendant. Dad made one out of silver completely by hand and the piston even moved.

Another time he brought home a broach he had been working on and for which he received an award certificate. It was to become a gift from NZ to Queen Elizabeth II. It was made of high quality greenstone set in silver, shaped for the bays of Banks Peninsula and featured roses (for English Royalty) and ferns for NZ. It was exquisite. We stood around in the kitchen admiring his workmanship. I suppose it must be in a vault in Buckingham Palace somewhere serving no useful purpose. He was modestly proud of what he had done.

He forbade me from ever looking for his mother when I tried to enquire about my grandmother. He was deeply upset about his abandonment and had little respect for women. He had little interest in me, being a girl.

Decades later, after dad had died, I had to supply NZ documentation for my father's birth certificate in order to gain my French citizenship. As a result I discovered the name of his mother but no father was noted. I had no other information on my Dad's side of my family. But then BINGO! DNA testing.

It all confirmed my French, English, Irish, Scottish and Viking roots but the thrulines and centimorgans revealed my father's father. And the detective work of myself and others revealed some sordid underbellies. It's fascinating. Bad types in my ancestry don't phase me since I've had to deal with bad sorts my whole life. I know I've got NZ's first double-homicide murderer who was hanged in Wellington and was also a thief and bigamist as a direct ancestor. So what? It's colourful and it's life.

My father's father Joseph (see photo left) was a scoundrel. He liked to get young women pregnant and then abandon them. In my grandmother Eva's case they had announced their engagement so she probably thought it was OK to have unprotected (as it mostly was back in the 1920s) sex because she was getting married. Alas, she got pregnant and 9 months and two weeks after their engagement announcement he had married someone else. 

I had started with compassion for my grandmother but not any more. Joseph fathered at least five illegitimate children to different mothers in the interim. Sadly of all the illegitimate boys and girls he fathered, my Dad's mother was the only mother who abandoned her child. All the other mothers and their families found ways to keep the children and give them a proper home with at least one biological parent.

Her parents and siblings knew. In those days it was common for an illegitimate child to be raised as one of the siblings in the family. They couldn't be bothered though it was a fairly large family. She never told her future husband so she made no effort to take back her son and she never told her daughter. I might have forgiven that but for what happened recently to me.

I found a cousin on Ancestry and contacted him and he said he would be very happy to link family trees and to meet up with me as soon as he got back from a trip to Paris. He provided me with the name and phone number of one of Eva's still-surviving children So I gathered up my courage and contacted her. She was surprised that she had a new niece but was convinced I was genuine so she invited me to her flat for afternoon tea. She gave me hugs and we spent a few hours chatting and comparing notes. Then she invited me to join her for her forthcoming birthday. She said she was telling everyone about about the pretty new niece who had come into her life. I felt somewhat wanted and arranged a birthday present and special card for her.

A meeting between my half-Aunt and two of her nephews was hastily arranged. One of these cousins to me is a wealthy businessman well known in Christchurch and his brother is a lawyer based in Australia. It was a friendly meeting of the four of us but the first thing out of the lawyer's mouth was "So what's your motivation for contacting us?" Oh, that felt very harsh and lawyer-like and almost accusatory. I tried to ignore that but was eventually under pressure to supply all the stuff I had on their family and on my Dad including all my personal stuff when a USB was shoved under my nose. I would rather have had the opportunity to pick and choose. A photo of the four of us was taken and we all agreed the resemblances were remarkable. 

The businessman promised to send the photo and info. He never did. Several days later the lawyer sent a few pdfs and a poor quality photo of Dad's mother. That's all I got for all I gave. They have no interest in seeing me again, that's clear. My aunty cancelled the lunch we were to have. She said she couldn't cope with the news and wanted to sever all ties. I was immensely hurt. Cowardice is inter-generational or is there something legal they are trying to hide? She was given an opportunity to have someone in her life who might have added caring and interest. She gave the impression she was delighted to find me but chose to abandon me. Her birthday card had to be binned. I'd rather she and her family had said no right from the start.

Not one to give up completely, I have constructed more of Joseph's own family tree and have been in touch with a granddaughter, thanks to DNA testing, of one of the other women he got pregnant. We've met and exchanged info, and, unlike the other lot she has included my Dad now on her family tree. Maybe we will meet again but these family meetings usually don't go far. Not having much family all my life I had hoped for some emotional connection but the folks I really needed to talk to now are all dead.

So don't wait, get onto it. See what you can find. Maybe your appearance will be treated more kindly than mine.

Photos show:  A cottage in Sumner with Dad's viking ancestors, Dad's workshops and final business card, Dad's father Joseph, Dad as a young man in two photos and then with my daughter aged less than a year. I feel too intimidated to put a picture of his mother here.

As a note: it is illegal in France to have DNA testing done so this is greatly hampering my family research. I think I've done as much as I can now. Spit into a tube, post it to Ireland, wait until it seems like forever and get your results. Ethnicity is not very accurate in Europe as there were so many migrations but gives an indication. The concentrations of DNA with others who have tested is very useful.

https://www.genealogyexplained.com/dna-testing/best-dna-test/ 

Buying online - ugghhh!

 

It has been years since I purchased online; I don't have much discretionary budget, the freight times are often lengthy since covid and there are so many scams and unscrupulous sites - enough to put you off, but I'd recently taken up a new hobby and needed some starter gear - costuming. Facebook is very good at pushing stuff at you but it can also be helpful in finding affordable stuff that could be useful. Enter Temu. Temu stuff is pretty low grade but so are the prices, you can get a full refund if your product is not good. The same applies to Amazon. They both have good distribution and communication. Tracking works well and they try to deliver ahead of promise. No complaints with Temu or Amazon.

While scrolling through a few costuming options I saw a fake 'leather' jacket for sale. It was like one I had bought in France long ago and had worn out after 3 years use, of course. I thought I would replace it. It was on special and the site seemed to imply it was based in Wellington with a main branch in Australia? They had a returns policy. I just hoped it would fit which is always the worry when buying online.

 A red flag appeared. It took several days for my order to appear in their system and the tracking number didn't work. I contacted them via email and they replied back in quite good English. Somewhat reassured, I sat back to wait for things to resolve as the days passed. Well they passed and passed. Who knows where the product was actually coming from but eventually it arrived. As I pulled it from the packaging my heart sank. It looked like a toy yet I had followed their size guide. I tried it on, mostly OK around the middle but couldn't really use my upper arms as they were jammed into too-narrow shoulders and sleeves. Disaster! 

 

I emailed them straight away for instructions on where to return my jacket. Two days later they replied and this ridiculous toing and froing occured. They clearly do NOT want to bother with returns to China and hope to wear customers down. I checked the NZ Companies Register. They are not there so their website name in NZ is very misleading. I found them evasive and dishonest and it leaves one feeling uneasy about ordering online though I have since had some successful purchases via the big boys who are so big they don't argue and in fact, I had no need to return anything from THEM.

 

Dearest Reader here follows their avoidance technique... (my emails in black, their's in red)

Hi

I just received my jacket 5 minutes ago. Unfortunately it doesn't fit well - it is too tight in the shoulders for me to put my arms forward and a larger size would be too big in the waist and elsewhere. Can I please return it and get reimbursed? How much would it cost to send back? This product has not been worn.

Kind regards

 

We apologize for any disappointment caused by the product not meeting your expectations. It's essential for us to rectify this situation to ensure your satisfaction.

Would you be interested in exchanging the product for the correct item? Your happiness is paramount, and we would be pleased to send you the product that brings you joy. We kindly ask for a small contribution of 25 NZD to cover the associated costs.

Please inform us of your decision, and we will handle the exchange process for you. Our team is here to provide further assistance as needed.

 

Thanks for your reply. As I indicated, a larger size will not fit in general. It's just the cut that doesn't work for my body. I will need a refund and am hoping this is straight forward. Yes, it's disappointing as it looked nice in the photo and I will lose some money in paying for it to be returned. This is the risk with online shopping.
Please advise next steps

 

Of course we understand if you want to return your order, but we have an exciting alternative that we think you'll love!

Instead of sending the products back and paying the return postage, we'd like to make you a special offer. You get to keep the products and get 10% of the purchase price back as a thank you for your purchase!
This means that you can not only enjoy your chosen products, but also get a good discount .

This choice is not only financially beneficial, but also saves you the trip to the post office and the shipping costs of returning the items to our warehouse in China .

Returning to China: If you decide to return an item, please follow the return instructions on our website:[ I have omitted this link in interests of confidentiality]
Make sure the item is in its original packaging and meets our return conditions.

How do you imagine I can enjoy this product when I can't use it? I'm not happy about having the hassle and expense of returning it. I have already read the link info. It does NOT tell me WHERE to send the product and I'm wondering why you are stalling.

Your offer is not a good one. The product is useless to me and the discount minimal. The benefits you mention are ridiculous since they are not realistic in this case. With more than 16 years in sales and marketing under my belt I can see right through this.

PLEASE ADVISE EXACTLY HOW TO RETURN THIS PRODUCT SO I GET MY REFUND.
Yes, I am starting to become concerned about your company.

Certainly! We completely understand if you wish to return your order, but we have an enticing alternative that we believe will capture your interest!

You can keep the products and get 20% of the purchase price back as a thank you for your purchase!

This allows you to not only enjoy your selected products but also benefit from a significant discount.

Opting for this option not only saves you money but also spares you the hassle of visiting the post office and covering return shipping costs to our warehouse in China.

For returns to China: Should you choose to return an item, please refer to the return instructions provided on our website. Additionally, ensure that the item is in its original packaging and meets our return policy requirements.

**Note: The cost of the return is at the customer's expense in accordance with our returns policy (including tracking costs, which are usually between €25 and €30 depending on the weight/distance of the parcel).

Let us know if you take advantage of this great offer. We'll be happy to help you with any questions and decisions.

This is crazy! Why are you even mentioning euros?
I can do the math and 20% of the product price is still less that the total cost minus return post.
Are you actually reading what I write?
"For returns to China: Should you choose to return an item, please refer to the return instructions provided on our website" The instructions for where are NOT THERE.

I am protected under the Consumer Guarantee act. This product is legally not fit for purpose as it does not fit me and cannot be worn. Do I have to contact the Ministry for Consumer Affairs about this?

 

Thank you for reaching out, and we're sorry to hear that the product didn't fully meet your expectations. We're committed to working together to find a solution that suits you and increases your satisfaction. We've outlined a few fantastic alternatives for you:

Option 1: You can opt to keep your order, and as a gesture of appreciation, we're pleased to offer you a 30% refund of the purchase price. This allows you to retain the product and benefit from a significant discount.

Option 2: As an alternative, we'd like to extend to you a gift card valued at 60% of the purchase amount. With this gift card, you can explore other products in our range and enjoy additional savings on your future purchases. It presents a wonderful opportunity to try something new while retaining your original order. You can find the link to our website at the bottom of this email.

It's important to note that choosing either of these options not only benefits you but also supports environmental sustainability by reducing returns. Additionally, given the different warehouses we utilize in Asia, returns from this region can be costly and are best avoided.

We hope you find these alternatives appealing and discover an option that aligns with your needs. However, we completely understand if you still decide to proceed with returning your order, and we'll fully support you through that process.

Please ensure that the product is unused and in its original packaging. Kindly note that the return shipping costs will be your responsibility as the sender.

Your satisfaction is of the utmost importance to us, and we eagerly await your response. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any further questions or require assistance with your decision.

 

Your maths still don't add up. It's clear you don't want to refund but you are legally REQUIRED to do so.

Your second option is dreadful as now I don't want the extreme hassle of buying anything else from your site because you are not showing good faith in dealing with your customers. This is becoming a nightmare for me though I do appreciate you contacting me.

I have a counter offer: give me 50% REFUND back to my bankcard for all the hassle and concern you are now creating with your unwillingness to behave honorably with a client. You are just making it all worse.

Over to you

 

[Suddenly I got a message that they had decided to stop with the bullshit and just resolve the matter. I now have a useless jacket for sale.]

 

Great news! Your refund has been processed and is currently en route to your bank account. Please allow 2-5 business days for the refund to reflect in your account.

 

Always check if there is free shipping no matter who you order from. Often there is not and the price tag for it can be more than the item you buy OR you have to spend a certain amount in order to get free shipping.  All I have learned is to stick with the big boys where possible. They are reliable, and you should know your rights.

 

To know your rights, here's a useful link. https://www.consumerprotection.govt.nz/general-help/ways-to-buy-and-pay/online-shopping