Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Relationship wobbles

It's been a few months since I've written a post on anything really personal. This is at odd to the rest of my blog which chronicles my experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly, since 2010. It has always been a frank and honest blog where I've tried to be open but this year has thrown me some serious challenges which I haven't felt safe to talk about on this medium. One is my job which right now threatens my fight to survive on this planet. It's been ongoing but now has reached critical levels. I'll have to tuck any explanation away for now. The other is my relationship with JC.

On the first day of this month, while I was staying the weekend at his place he said I would not be coming over the next weekend. He needed time to think about us. He didn't elaborate. A few minutes later, thoroughly unnerved, I asked him why he had said that. He was clearly uncomfortable but said that with all the ongoing health issues I'd had he really wanted a relationship that didn't have all that. He wanted carefree, penetrative sex as and when he wanted.

For various periods throughout our relationship I'd suffered from chronic pelvic pain exacerbated after love-making, I had frequent urinary tract infections (often a side-effect of menopause). Towards the end of 2011 I'd had the pelvic pain investigated but nothing was ever found and so the doctors ignored the significant problem and were disinterested. It went away for a few months, coincidently, after my chronic shoulder problem started. Adhesive Capsulitis is a nasty debilitating problem for which the only real cure is time, up to two years, and I had it to a lesser degree, in my other shoulder too. I started investigations again but it hasn't revealed anything tangible even though the pain is highly tangible. I kept working and helping JC in his garden from time to time but there were times when the pain from that and the shoulder problem (which is now improving) was so bad I was in tears on the sofa. So, with one thing and another, I supposed he got sick of all that.

I was devastated because there was no warning. Our relationship had seemed as it always had been with us. In fact, it was the only stable thing in my life. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.. Noting my distress he told me he would always be there if I needed something done. I didn't want a handyman, I wanted my lovely  boyfriend. He spent a lot of time listening to me and then insisted that he follow me home in his car to make sure I got there alright. He stayed an hour. The next few days were understandably horrid trying to cope at work and home with immense sadness but he would phone briefly each day to see how I was and he told me he'd been thinking about me a lot, positively.

The first weekend in two and a half years arrived without the usual structure. I was alone at home. He rang and said if I wanted to go out for a drive he would take me somewhere so I wasn't alone. That was nice but he had put me through shit. What could I trust any more? It was great to see him again but painful too - I missed him, especially when I had to drive home at night after seeing him- that wasn't normal. All I could do was take it a day at a time and on a couple of occasions I told him how his attitude and past behaviours were as imperfect as my reproductive machinery. He listened but as usual offered no explanation other than to say his feelings for me weren't as strong as my feelings for him.That seemed to be all he understood of himself or was willing to say. He's not someone who 'feels' much, never cries, never lets anyone get past his waterproof barriers. We're both missing out because of that. He took me shopping and bought me a pair of Armani jeans. I didn't care about shopping but he was clearly trying to do something to find ways to spend time with me. But I was disappointed that all my other qualities and the security of my feelings for him hadn't been enough to offset the fact that because I suffered  he wanted everything perfect for him so for a time I was disposable.

Gradually things have come back to how they were but he never said what he was doing. I told him not to play games with me and he said he wasn't. I had to ask him about our relationship - did we really have one and was it like before? Yes he replied, like before, so I imagine I'll be back there weekends on a regular basis and I suppose he has realised he had more feelings than he thought but he won't say anything. I've seen a surprising amount of tenderness from him recently that I've never seen before- especially as I've struggled with what he's put me through and the horrid uncertainty I am facing with my job. Understanding men is no easier than men understanding women, at least in my experience. This is not something I can forget but I'm trying to roll with it as I spend time again with a lovely man with all his thoughtfulness and flaws. Now I must concentrate on the other major stress in my life- my job.


Post a Comment

I welcome your comments, contributions and feedback.