Sliding into Musical Oblivion

After four years of dashed hopes, thousands of hours of home practice, a great many two-course meals cooked for unappreciative musicians, two expensive music courses where I never had a set drummer who could be bothered turning up and practising, I am feeling obliged to accept reality and call it quits for now on my time as a bassist. I'm about to disappear completely from the scene.

Disappointment is too minor a word for it. I never expected to have to deal with the darker side of humanity when all I have ever wanted to do was play my bass in a serious band. A band that held itself together, a band where members practised numbers and attended band rehearsals regularly, where female members were treated with respect and courteous communication occured. It never happened.

Instead I have been pursued by multiple predatory males posing as 'friends' who would never accept I was only in it for the music; stalked outside my bedroom (very scarey), ghosted, sexually aggressed (thankfully in a minor way, but still) and bullied much of the time, even in front of others. I get rung on the phone at midnight by guys trying to get me over to their places to play so I can be 'plugged in' as they refer to it. When I don't eventually succomb to their efforts to persuade me to have a 'relationship' with them they suddenly never contact me again and thus my ability to perform disappears.  I have had utter consistency in deplorable behaviour from people who have, in many cases, been playing for decades. It's not a gender thing or even necessarily an age thing though the guys around my age are the worst. I am not exaggerating - just a few examples so you can get the picture as to why I have reached this dreadful decision.

Last year, after travelling 50kms there and back each week for band practices over five months, I was summarily fired from the band because on one occasion I told a guy's big dog to stop jumping up on me and raking my thighs with its claws because it hurt. I simply told it to stop, I didn't even swear.  "Take your shitty little bass and your shitty little amp and fuck off," he snarled at me. I learned I had no value and thus didn't warrant any respect for my dedication to the group.

Three years ago I was invited to audition for a 3-piece so confirmed keys and prepared the songs. When I turned up the guy deliberately changed the keys of all the work I had prepared. I asked him why he had invited me to audition and he replied it was because I 'looked good in leather', and then grabbed my bass out of my hands and helped himself to my expensive Fender (bad muso etiquette).

On another occasion last year after practising music and having some home-cooked nosh a guy suddenly strips off his shirt in my lounge and insists on staying overnight. I shouldn't have to deal with this. I give them NO encouragement and always clearly lay out the ground rules at the beginning but it just keeps happening, getting ugly when things don't match their agenda. Is it because I am a female bassist? I don't know but it is unacceptable behaviour and now there isn't even that. Do ageism and misogyny exist in the Christchurch music scene? Hell, yes!!

With no-one to play with I can't perform or even do open mics so I cannot progress and it's certainly not fun alone at home. I feel I am a competent-enough bassist now for any rock, blues and even a bit of jazz and could handle country quite easily. I read standard notation, tabulation and chord charts, I work really hard, can create my own walking bass lines, always present myself well at performances and have good quality gear but it has been to no avail. No genuine opportunities in four struggling years so I've run out of options. It shouldn't be THIS hard.

THIS all began when I started teaching myself bass during the covid lockdown and surprised myself at how my instrument seduced me. I've learned a lot of theory and explored the real estate of my fretboard. I've also managed to get much of my singing voice back after my vocal chords were damaged by a long stint in ICU in 2022 so I'm interested in singing background as well as some lead vocals. I'm more confident in creating my own basslines but really wish I could have been at least once in a situation with a competent and reliable drummer to complement me in the rhythm section.

I've played with the best - I play covers with top bands on YouTube to prepare my repertoire (lol). That's all very well but it is very solitary and what I really want is working in with other dedicated musicians.

I've met quite a few local musicians but mostly their interest is superficial and extremely temporary. Many have drugs, alcohol and mental health issues they are not dealing with. There are quite a few with toxic personalities and I've had enough of being bullied every time I see them. For the past few years I've turned up at events on my own hoping to run into fellow musos who would like to put a group together, but it hasn't happened. My experience of putting my own band together was truly demoralising.

Is this decision permanent? It will be if I never get honest interest from musicians who do not have a predetermined 'relationship agenda', or are not people who mean what they say. I remain open to possibilities but have to accept they are unlikely.

I shall have to reinvent myself again in some different way.

I haven't yet packed my gear away in the spare room, in case I want to potter on my beloved instrument, from time to time, but there is an immense sadness I will just have to deal with; losing hopes and dreams and my creative outlet. At least I can say I gave it my best and treated other musicians with enthusisam and courtesy. I'm cleaning out many of my Facebook 'contacts'/fake friends as part of my grieving and moving on.

So 2025 is going to be a different sort of year and all the poorer for the loss of music but I'll put my brain into coming up with stuff to keep me meaningfully occupied.

My heartfelt thanks to those musicians who did attend band practices and who did appreciate working with me. You kept me going as long as I have.