On being an expat repat - it's emotionally challenging

A repat is someone who comes back to their country of origin after living overseas. An expat is someone living overseas. At the moment I seem to be an expat repat.

I came back to NZ because I had no other options but now I'm back in France trying to work out what I should do for the rest of my active life. Some folks come back to NZ because they can create their comfort bubble there and that's fine. Others like me with limited resources, few family ties and the bulk of living behind me struggle to find their place there. I've experienced major reverse culture shock. I seem to be experiencing multiple iterations of it now and I feel I've lost my way. There is no solid ground. There is no happy place because neither option really works for me. This sort of confusion might be understandable in my situation but it's highly unpleasant and could last years.

Like many repats I came back to a country I couldn't feel settled in. I'd changed and so had NZ and there was no putting either back in their original boxes.

After 19 months back in NZ and 3 changes of address, constant financial stress building a house alone while mostly unemployed and having only 2 very short-term work contracts which meant I couldn't belong 'at work' either, I suppose it's not surprising I feel I don't know where to belong. Well actually I do - at a soul level it's France, but without the means to stay here independently I don't know what I can do about that.

Currently I am spending 3 months with Jean-Claude to see if I will eventually decide, one day, to come back to France and him, somewhat long-term but probably not permanently. Ours has never been an ideal situation, especially for me so there is a lot at stake. It's me who would be taking a major risk.

I might possibly get the opportunity to stay with Jean-Claude long-term one day if I can get past some of his recent trust-busting and controlling behaviours but that would mean never having my own stuff, my own environment, always being dependent on his money or wants, only ever having his lifestyle and never mine, often being bored. It's unsettling to contemplate the best part of what is left of my life, struggling to have my own life and way of doing things. And in the end, due to his probable future demise or illness (since he's 10 years older than me), having to leave France anyway. That's a heavy price to pay despite my feelings for him and my soul country. He knows my situation is difficult.

Living alone on the breadline in NZ isn't appealing either so I don't know what is best. I'm probably a late bloomer. I want to experience international things, have fun, meet people, feel part of the rest of the world, be employed. I have none of that sitting alone in my new house in Rolleston NZ every day. The usual strategies haven't worked, so here I am, back in la Beauce, Centre, taking a chance, putting myself through an emotional wringer just in case something great can come of it.

As expected, I am not missing New Zealand. Yesterday we were cruising down the road to Chartres, watching the cathedral spires getting bigger and bigger in the distance while listening to 17th century French classical music by famous court composer Lully. Louis XIV knew how to pick talent. I love my European roots, the history, the culture, the supermarkets with choice to die for. Around every corner there is something of interest for me. My soul is comfy here but my head and heart know there is no clear and happy choice to make right now.

Alas, for some time I have realised I just don't fit in with the 'kiwi culture'. I can't stand sport (especially Rugby), I'm not into the great outdoors (other than gardening). I'm sickened by the shameful statistics on key aspects of life in NZ - suicide, rising problems with mental health, domestic violence and abuse, child torture and murder, environmental destruction on a horrifying scale (just drive from Christchurch to Rakaia), binge drinking, methamphetamine everywhere. I watched a trailer for a new TV series which seems to be set around West Auckland. It shows people behaving very badly, using violence to get their way and who seem to lack reasonable diction, education and quality. Is that the reality of NZ? Is that nastiness and lowest common denominator what entertains kiwis nowdays?

What on earth is wrong with so many kiwis they can't just get on and be decent people caring for themselves and others in such a small country? Things have got worse. Don't say the problem is beneficiaries because I'm often one too now and it's impossible to live on the benefit. That doesn't make me a no-hoper or horrible person. The hate speech that trips off social media posts is appalling. The divide between the comfortable and the strugglers (through no fault of their own) shows the utter contempt the haves have for the rest of us. The price of living in NZ is criminal. You can't survive on pretty polluted scenery. What happened NZ, while I was away?

Other countries have their dark sides too, including France, but here in France the OECD kiwi stats make their jaws drop. They can't understand how a country like NZ can have an undercurrent like that. Family is important to the French and children are at the centre. They know how to eat and drink, for the most part, sensibly. Snacking between meals is frowned on and warned against so people tend to be less overweight here.

I don't know how to reconcile living in NZ with my own set of values and my struggles to financially survive there. It makes soul-searching on what to do with the rest of my life more complicated.

While I was on a short term contract recently, writing for the University of Canterbury, NZ national statistics were released that showed one in three university students in NZ are sexually abused during their studies. One in Three (mostly females, abused or assaulted by 'entitled' males). https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/113090659/a-third-of-women-university-students-report-being-sexually-assaulted-what-do-we-owe-them
The bullying statistics in schools came out too. It's horrific. For goodness sake, NZ. Then there are the kids with no food. At least in France every kid gets a cooked lunch in school. There are even separate Muslim menus for school kids in this secular country.

I wonder what the solution is? I think a good start would be to make it easier for 'real' people to help run the country and make fair but firm decisions. Make the elections cycle longer so politicians can get stuff done without constantly concentrating on what will get them re-elected. Get rid of the career politicians so out of touch with what the rest of us experience. That goes for both France and NZ. But, it ain't gonna happen. Things would have to be completely overturned by bickering masses and there would be a lot of harm in the process. I would like to be given a realistic opportunity to make a positive difference but I'm going to run out of breath before that happens.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my options open until a clear path reveals itself, if it ever does. I'll make the most of temporarily re-experiencing the parts of my old life in France that worked for me and try to look past the bits that don't, for now. I'll keep bathing my soul in the country I should have been born into, appreciating my French citizenship and all those French and Kiwi folks who show me kindness and interest from time to time.

And there will be those sublime moments like listening to music that was composed for Versailles in the time of the Sun King, or checking out what's happening with Notre Dame in Paris or making a pavlova for a Frenchman who likes having me around, or making home-made raspberry jam from plants I planted here 5 years ago. Things I did so any months ago. Those are the moments I live for.

Looking ahead to the next few weeks, I expect to be tutoring a young lady in English who is preparing for a competitive exam, visiting a few historic places of interest, refreshing my French language competencies, renewing some old friendships, giving some palliative care to an old dog, helping JC with his garden and reflecting on life past, present and what might be ahead. I'll also be reflecting on and writing about a major scientific milestone about to celebrate its 50th anniversary next month.

http://www.kivaprogram.net/nz/news/new-zealand-bullying-statistics
https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=12230188
https://worksafe.govt.nz/about-us/news-and-media/workplace-bullying-and-harassment/