Anatomy of an online dating scam

Ever wondered how scammers operate on online dating sites? What do they actually say to hook potential victims? Here's your chance to be a 'fly on the wall'. I recently experienced a scam but fear not, there was never any possiblity of losing any money as I don't have any and don't trust easily these days. The following exerpts from email communications over a 3 week period are heavily edited (especially mine as most info on me is already in the public domain). The scammer is in black type, I am in green and my editorial comments are in red. The following messages start after initial contact on the dating site. His profile then abruptly became unavailable. This is, I have now discovered, a scammer technique as they hide and don't wish to pay to use the sites. The fiction was that he was working on an oil platform in the North Sea off the cost of scotland. Due to return to Christchurch in two weeks which somehow stretched to three.

I have included photos of this 'person' who is probably some poor guy unaware his image is being used. If you know who this person is in the photo please let me know. I have not revealed the name as it is probably bogus and I don't want to upset people with the same name. So...Read on... What do you make of it?

 A: How are you? I hope you're good and you've had a very fine weekend. Thanks very much for responding to my message on the dating site. I really do appreciate having you here and i hope we can develop a beautiful relationship together...smiles.

I am sorry for my delayed reply, i have been a little busy at work. I also got a bit of sad news a few days ago and it's got me quite down and slow. I lost a very dear friend and i am still quite shocked over his death. He was a very fit and healthy gentleman. He wasn't sick, until he had a sudden heart stroke and he didn't survive it. He was like my only friend and i will miss him greatly. I pray his soul rest in perfect peace.

I didn't have much on my profile, so i will try to introduce myself formally here and you can ask whatever question you like when you reply...smiles.
My name is A**** M*******. I am a Virgo, Born September 13th, 1958. I am a widower as my wife passed away 4yrs ago. We never had kids, even though we tried several times. As we really love kids and wanted to have ours.
I am an easy going person, some say i'm always with a smile. I love sports(soccer), reading, music, movies(comedy), nature, hiking, traveling, going on a boat cruise... just the simple things of life.

I am a mixed American as my mum was Brazilian, while my Dad was an American. I live in Christchurch, but i am currently at the North Sea in Scotland for a contract job. We are constructing an offshore crude oil rig here at the North Sea.
I got the contract to supply some of the heavy duty machines needed and i also work as a Safety Supervisor on the platform. The project is supposed to end in March, but the pandemic slowed things down a bit as we had to stop work for a while. I've been back here on the platform for about 2 weeks now and i just have two more weeks to go before i come back home to Christchurch for my break. The project will be ending in September and i hope to retire afterwards. It is one more reason i joined the dating site. To find a partner to enjoy my retirement with.

It's been a while since i was in a relationship and i want love again in my life. I desire an understanding and honest lady who is ready to love and be loved, as life can be very lonely and boring without a companion. This sudden passing of my friend has just made me realize again that life's short and we just have to enjoy it and live it to the fullest while we can.

I know i am away now and we can't meet up right away. But i believe it can work in our favor, as we can use the time to get to know ourselves a bit, before we actually meet up in person. So we won't just be like complete strangers when we meet up...smiles. I feel it might be a bit awkward that way...smiles. I haven't dated in a while, so please pardon me if i am wrong about this.

I'll stop here, but will write again when next i read from you. You can tell me about yourself, just the basic things you would like me to know and you can ask whatever question you wish to know about me. Until then, you take good care of yourself and enjoy your week. Bye for now.

He uses American spelling. Generally good spelling except for the first person pronoun and a rather strange and repetitive use of syntax that would suggest he is not a native English speaker. There again, so many people can't write a normal sentence these days. The endearments are a bit odd. Sort of reminds me of those internet scammers from Nigeria.

 Email from me follows, outlining some personal info, likes and dislikes etc. Asking for more detailed info from him. An internet search reveals this person does not have a Facebook account, nor a webpage.

F: What sort of safety stuff do you have to do on the oil rig? Sounds cold out there, even though it is summer...What do you do in your spare time?...Why are  you in NZ/ Christchurch? ...

 A: Your email is really nice, i must let you know i am liking our communication already and i hope for the best for us. Thanks for your concern about my friend, it's quite sad but it's the way life is. We never get out of it alive.
Nice to know you're already retired as i will be doing so soon as well. How are you finding retirement? I sometimes fear i might get bored...smiles. It's why i don't plan on going into full time retirement. I will find something less stressful to keep me occupied for a few hours in a day or a few days of the week. It's one more reason i need a partner, to enjoy my retirement with. Travel and do whatever fun activity we like together...smiles.
We are quite alike as we both haven't been in a relationship for a while. I don't expect to find a perfect partner, just someone i can get along with and share the rest of my life with. You seem like a really nice and intelligent lady. That's good enough for me. I just hope you find me good enough too...smiles. I see you've tried internet dating before and i am a little surprised you're still single. What happened the last time you tried it? Didn't you meet anyone? Or were you just looking out for me...smiles.
It's a pretty cloudy day out here with a temperature of about 15C. I've been working out at the plant for most of the day. I just finished having my lunch break and i've got some time alone in my office, so i decided to come spend it with you...smiles.

 I spent my early childhood in Brazil before relocating to the United States. I used to speak fluent Portuguese back then in Brazil but changed to English when we relocated to the States. I forgot how to speak Portuguese over time due to lack of practice, but i couldn't let go of the accent completely...smiles.
I like dancing even though i am not so good at it. I just move my body to the melody. It's why i like almost all kinds of music, depending on my mood. I've got a few dance moves i can teach you when we get together and you can teach me some dancing as well...smiles.

The weather out here is always cold, some days are worse and some days ok. It's about 13C now and it's like it's going to be a sunny day. Our rig is still under construction, so our basic day to day activity is on machine installations and their various processes. I monitor the process to make sure everything is done correctly and safely. Making sure both the facility and the personnel are safe at all times.
I see you've got a really nice and flourishing garden...smiles. My late wife used to have one back in the States and i enjoyed fresh fruits and vegetables from it...smiles. I am not so good at gardening, so i don't have any at the moment. Maybe you can help me out in future when we get together...smiles.
I am sorry you couldn't see my profile on the dating site anymore when you checked. It's just like i told you in my message on the site, i didn't plan on staying on the site. So i deleted my profile after you wrote to me here. Didn't see any reason being there anymore as we can have all our communications here and meet up when the time is right.
I don't do so much during my spare time. I like to work out at the gym, nap, watch movies, read, go out for a walk and sight seeing...smiles.
I actually relocated to NZ for work and i just decided to stay back after my contract expired. My current job here at the North Sea is only temporary, so it's why i didn't bother relocating down here. I kind of like NZ, compared to the United States. It's relatively more peaceful and i believe it's such a place i need to be for my retirement. Somewhere serene and peaceful to relax and enjoy my golden years with my partner...smiles. Of course we can always travel to visit other countries from time to time but i want my home to be in NZ...smiles. France is also nice, but i don't really like it because of the language. I can't speak French and i am not so ready for the stress of learning a new language now...smiles.
Well, i will have to stop here to get started with my duties for the day. Need to sort out some paperwork in preparation for a meeting with the other engineers to discuss my incoming shipment from the United States. You take good care of yourself and enjoy your night as i look forward to reading from you again soon. Bye for now.

Elaborate details. Sounds convincing. He sends four photos, supposedly of himself so I reply by sending some of mine.

Thanks for your lovely email and photos. You're a very pretty lady and i feel really lucky being connected with you...smiles. I am glad you like my photos as well. The very first stage of any relationship is liking each other's physical appearance and i am glad we've crossed that stage already. From the little we've shared, i kind of feel you've got the inner beauty too and i look forward to exploring it all as we get along 

F: Please don't assume we are suited. I hope we are but chemistry is necessary and we have never met.  I don't even have a decent photo of you. You seem like a nice person and intelligent and interesting but that is not enough. I don't carry a lot of 'baggage' but the relationships I have had in the past have not been positive ones. I am very cautious and take things slowly because if a guy can't start as a good friend I can trust, it will never work to rush things.

I am looking forward to hearing from you. What do your heavy machines actually do?

Trying to get more specific info but it's like pulling teeth.

A: I admire your courage in relocating to France without understanding the language. But i understand you had to do what is needed at the time. I did likewise when i was in Qatar for 3yrs, but mine is different as i still couldn't speak Arabic after i left. My ears aren't so good with languages like yours. I can only visit non-English speaking countries but not relocate there permanently.

I am sorry if i sounded too forward about my intentions in my previous email. I am not a man that believes in rushing a relationship. Love comes softly and i believe friendship should always come first in any true relationship. It's one more reason i am happy we are meeting this way. Getting to know the basics about each other virtually before actually meeting up in person. I want the real thing or at least a good friendship.

It has been another cold day out here. Been working out at the plant for most of the day and we're done with all that for today. I've just finished having my lunch and will continue the day's task at the laboratory as we've got some testing and analysis to do. That will take up the rest of the work day. 

I will relax for a few minutes with a hot cup of coffee here in my office before i go out again. You just take good care of yourself always and have a very fine day ahead as i look forward to reading from you again later on.

  Just so you know, i am not looking for the perfect partner as i don't believe anyone is perfect. All i need is someone that is compatible with me and enjoys my company as much as i enjoy hers...smiles. So i can rightly say you're perfect for me as you are as you've got all i desire in a partner and more...smiles. I haven't been to a lot of places in NZ, so you see we have a lot to do together. Lots of places to see and fun activities lined up. I so much look forward to it all, even though i am more interested in just spending time with you and getting to know you...smiles.
The machines i am bringing in are mainly for drilling, power generation, metering and some general safety accessories. I will stop here to carry on with my duties as i look forward to reading from you again later on. I must confess you've been with me in my thoughts often these few days and i hope things just keep getting better for us..

 A: It's another cold and windy morning out here. It rained a bit during the night and it seems like it's going to rain again this morning. We will be going out for some maintenance work in another rig this evening and we will be there until Sunday. The internet there isn't so good, so i may not be able to write until we get back here on Sunday. I just must let you know, so you don't get too worried when you don't hear from me. I want you to know you will be with me in my thoughts and i will write as soon as possible.
I will stop here for now to go have my breakfast at the cafeteria as i look forward to reading from you again later on. Until then, you take good care of yourself and have a very fine night's rest.

A: How are you? I hope good and you haven't missed me too much...smiles. I missed you though and i've only just got settled back at my platform. You've been with me in my thoughts and i am here to spend a few mins with you. I will give a proper reply to your email in my morning. I just must let you know that i am still here and so much looking forward to meeting you soon. I should be coming home later this week and will let you know of my flight details as soon as I have it booked.
I am tired and will try to get some rest now. Do take good care of yourself always and enjoy a very fine day ahead. Bye for now.

F: Do you know yet when you will be back in Christchurch?....I would also be interested to know what values you deem important. I consider honesty, generosity of spirit, cleanliness, punctuality, reliability,  a sense of drive is important. There are others you can discover. What can you tell me about yourself?

A: I see you have quite a lot of work going on in your garden and i wish i am there to assist..smiles. I am not so good at gardening, but at least you won't have to be climbing a ladder with me around...smiles. Please be safe when you do that, or you can just wait until i come over and it will be my pleasure to get it done for you.

My shipment from the United States should be arriving at Aberdeen seaport next week. So i should be able to come home towards the weekend. Will surely let you know of my flight details soonest i have it booked. So you know when i am coming in and maybe you can meet me at the airport...smiles.

I am a simple man and just need a simple lady that is compatible with me. Someone caring, fun, understanding, intelligent and all the other values you mentioned in your mail...smiles. I just want someone that will be happy to share the rest of her life with me, as much as i will be overjoyed sharing forever with her too...smiles.

Sounds a bit cloying. Could still be legit.

 F: It was great to get your message. I was becoming a bit puzzled by the silence as it has been a couple of days since I last heard from you. Thank goodness you haven't fallen overboard or been crushed by heavy machinery. They must be keeping you very busy.

I have attached some photos of me in Rio 2012 for the Earth Summit. Do you have any photos of you on the oil platform?

Am happy to collect you from the airport so long as it fits in with any of my other commitments. Without a definite time from you it's a bit hit and miss. Hope you don't have too many hassles getting back to NZ in these covid times. I am looking forward to meeting you soon.

He replies he has no photos of him on the oil rig but will send some later. So why not take a selfie and send it? Hmmm. I am trying to be as neutral as possible but am starting to wonder. Folks, listen to your intuition.

A: I hope you had a lovely night's rest and you awake to another beautiful morning. I am not doing so well over here and it's the reason i couldn't write sooner.

I arrived here in the city yesterday evening but i had some issues as i got in and it has got me quite frustrated and stranded. I only noticed my bank account is frozen as i tried to use the ATM here in the city. I couldn't access my funds in the account, so i couldn't even pay for any hotel accommodation. I had to go make a report with the police and they assisted me in getting a place on credit in a serviced apartment.

I have been speaking with my bank all day to try to reactivate my account but they aren't really helping. They claim some money was transferred into the account from Russia and they suspect it's money laundering. I've explained that the money was sent in by a company i used to work for in Russia, to purchase some equipment for them from the United States, but they are still refusing to unfreeze the account. Saying i should give them time to carry out their investigations.

I am just so frustrated and don't know what else to do. As i need to access my funds in order to get my shipment cleared from the seaport. And the equipment is needed for work at the platform immediately. I've been thinking so much that i am having a migraine now.

Anyway, i just want to let you know what is going on, so you don't get too worried about me. I am still looking for ways to get things sorted and i will surely let you know when all is well again. You just take good care of yourself and have a very fine day ahead. I will be in touch. Bye for now.

What sort of international businessman is so incompetent not to have this sort of thing sussed or covered? Alarm bells are now ringing but there is no proof of scamming.

 F: You do realise this all sounds like an internet dating scam?

A: But what will I gain in scamming you. I can never stoop so low to do such. Just letting you know what is going on with me.

 F: It usually involves a guy needing money and they are always overseas. I have come across this before several times so I am very sceptical. Sorry if I have misjudged  you but dating sites are used for this and the fact that you immediately disappeared from the site is often an indicator. I certainly hope your situation gets resolved. I've tried a lot of internet dating over the years. I end up getting hurt. I am hoping you are not like that. This is why I don't like long distance.

A:  I understand you very well, but because you've been scammed by someone in the past doesn't mean everyone having issues is a scam. I told you i wasn't going to remain on the dating site after i sent you my email to contact me. I don't know why you will want to use that against me now.
Anyway, i am still looking for ways to get myself sorted. I will let you know when everything is good again and i am ready to come home. You just take care and have a nice evening.

 People trying to avoid paying for internet dating frequently find ways to add a profile and to give someone who interests them their email address in a format that is difficult for the site to pick up on. It doesn't mean they are not reasonable people. But... I am beginning to see a pattern.

 F: I do not wish to hold anything against you, simply to explain my reaction as I have been mislead, betrayed and lied to several times where distance is involved. There is currently a lot of that happening to men and women on the dating sites including a handful of incidents for myself alone. It is unfortunate that you have been caught up in such a difficult situation before we have even met.

All the best in resolving your current problem. Banks are very cagey with international money transfers these days, even extremely modest amounts, and I suppose anything to do with Russia these days could raise a red flag.

Fortunately you are in an English-speaking country. Do keep me up to date on developments and hope to see you back here safe and sound.

Take care

 

Am waiting to see if he will 'hang' himself. His next email should be interesting. I really hope it's not what I think it will be.

A: As i am still not settled over here and i wonder if you can assist. I've been trying to reach my friend all day for some monetary assistance but i can't seem to reach him on the phone or via email. I am very stranded and frustrated here and will so much appreciate your help. I just need a little loan to help get things sorted and i can pay back within the next few days. Thanks very much in anticipation of a favorable reply and do have a very fine day ahead. 

The definitive 'aha' moment. What decent guy who has never met the woman is going to ask for money? I play confused but trying to be helpful. A scammer should, by this time, realise he is wasting his time.

F: You would need to give me this person's phone number. Surely you must be needing a large sum of money to sort out your problems. I am in no position to help anyone financially, myself. If you have their phone number you could contact them directly?You could always try using Skype or zoom with your friend. I usually use Skype when communicating internationally.

Cheers and good luck.

 

No further communication from this jerk. Shame I wasted 3 weeks of 'hard to come by' hope. I have noticed a rash of guys putting profiles up and then immediately being labelled inactive members. I wrote a diary entry for the dating site alerting to some of the red flag behaviours but they did not show any real interest. I now report any guy's profile that semms to be using the same modus operandi. It's time consuming.

Back in the groove

 It has been more than three months since my open heart surgeries and I am now beginning to reclaim my new life.

My general practitioner has a decent grasp on things (after seeing me so regularly) and mostly agrees with my requests.Sleep eludes me no matter what is prescribed for sleep so I'm looking at having the offending medication changed and I will be resisting starting any new medicines unless the doc can justify it with evidence.

Pain control has been greatly improved since my GP put me on amytriptaline for the nerve pain. My nerves, muscles and tendons are trying to regrow and reconnect which means my chest is supremely sensitive in negative ways.  The amytriptaline takes the edge off the pain, resulting in my ability to just get on with life while I am healing.

Playing bass is super important to me and so getting back into that was a top priority. After 7 weeks I started practising sitting down with my cheap and light chinese bass. By 9 weeks I could play my heavy Fender Jazz Pro2 while standing up. At 14 weeks I have successfully performed 3 times at Sharkey's Bar and am hoping to perform at Rolleston this coming Sunday.

I was chuffed to discover that Suzi Quatro turned 72 this month and plays the same Fender bass as I do. Such good company.

Along with progress in bass playing you can find me back in my garden  mowing, trimming, weeding, raking. Yes folks, last week I managed to mow both my lawns and do the edges all by myself. It took longer than it used to but I am being cautious, listening to my body and not pushing things, other than mowers, about.

Yesterday I got to exercise my democratic rights. I went to the Alliance Française to vote in France's legislative elections, from New Zealand. I was too busy recovering from surgery to take part in the presidential elections a few months ago so I was determined not to miss out this time. I have dual nationality and was voting for who would represent French expats around the world, I consider it a real privilege of my citizenship to be able to vote in French elections for the rest of my life. NZ does not afford its citizens the same rights. If you are overseas and don't come back regularly for holidays you lose your right to vote after only 3 years. I never had the money to come back here when I lived in France so I lost the right to vote in NZ elections. It should be an automatic right as a citizen but I find NZ's rules on many things quite draconian and harmful.

It was a pleasure to enter the 'French World' again. I had to present my National Identity card, then a kind lady let me look at the candidate pages on her laptop because those two candidates had not been my original choice so I had to choose again. Luckily I can read French fairly quickly. Then I had to take the voting slips for the second round candidates (only 2 left) choose one and place it in the brown envelope and ditch the other in the rubbish bin. One then posts the envelope in the plastic receptacle and you sign your name on the electoral role for French expats. I accidently started to sign as I normally do and had to scribble it out as I had forgotten that France handles all administration in my maiden name and I could no longer remember how to sign that as I haven't had that surname since 1976. So I had to make up a signature. Normally there are two rounds of voting but NZ is so far away from everything that consular mail from  the French overseas department never gets here

in time for us to vote in the first round. I enjoyed speaking a bit of French yesterday. It perked me up for the rest of the day, feeling at ease being bilingual in that special world even if my vote won't count for much. It's still great to have it. So far the abstention rate is a heavy 54%. At least I'm not part of that. Emmanuel Macron's parliamentary majority seems to have disappeared so a lot of his politicians may be looking for jobs.

I was startled to be contacted by a couple of headhunters recently, looking for someone to do communications work at my local council. I should have been ideal, I redid my CV and was given an interview at the HR agency only to have it cancelled suddenly that day. They said they had now resourced it. Hmm, I smell a rat. Contact with that agency wasn't friendly or competent from their end but I was still disappointed. The usual job application nonsense means you never hear if your candidature is received, if anything positive or negative came of all the time you put in to redoing your CV and writing a unique cover letter. Agencies are as bad as dealing with companies directly. There is one more opportunity possible from a different agency which sounds much more friendly and helpful. We'll see, it's for about a year's duration - a big commitment.

I'm keenly aware that my social life revolves around musical activities which I love and I am most grateful to those musicians who have made the effort to prepare songs with me, perform and support me and be endearing friends. Unfortunately that's not enough and I haven't found a significant other since JC in 2011. I spend most of my days pottering at home and now that I am feeling more energetic I decided I should make one more attempt at finding a special companion. Music will always have an important place in my life but opportunities to play are very infrequent or unreliable in nature so I have decided to look for the best sort of company - someone special through online dating. I've been down this road before as long-time readers will know. I am very aware of the pitfalls and disappointments, the scams, the discourtesies but there is no other alternative. I need to remain optimistic and cautious at the same time. If I don't try I can't succeed in challenges. As the cold weather really settles in I'd love to have more indoor social options to add more richness to my life. Here's hoping I find just that.

OHS - The road to recovery

 

Open Heart Surgery is a traumatic event that for many patients has consequences for which they are unprepared. Doctors tend not to discuss many recovery details with heart patients. They simply say not to lift the equivalnt of a 2L milk container etc and don't drive. Each patient is an individual and so has their own unique journey to good health but there are common issues. This post looks at those and also my particular experiences. I hope this will be of assistance to those going through surgery or supporting others who do. Remember, it could happen to you, right out of the blue so no apologies for length and (sometimes graphic) detail.

For context: I had two open heart surgeries within 24 hours. The first was to repair (unsuccessfully) my mitral valve or replace it with a tissue valve (successful) If only that was the end of that stage. 

My second was an emergency later that day due to a blood clot and uncontrolled bleeding from the sac (pericardium) surrounding my heart. It was touch and go. That means twice my chest was opened, ribs spread, heart stopped while on the bypass machine and heavy anaesthesia, chest wired up. I spent 4 days in ICU instead of one and remember nothing from that time. Having to go through this brutal surgery twice really set me back. Once on the ward things started to get interesting.

Hallucinations

This can be as a result of the anaesthesia and heavy duty medicines. I thought I had pustules growing around and up my neck on the right side. I could certainly feel them - scabby mushrooms? So I started trying to pick them off. I had no mirror so I couldn't see anything. It amounted to self-mutilation under 'the influence'. The scabby bits, I worked out a couple of weeks later, were all the sticky residues from the ECG electrodes. I still have the scars from clawing at myself.

Even weirder was the bat. On a number of occasions I watched a tiny NZ bat swooping ever so swiftly around the ward. I could barely keep up with it but I suspect I saw it with my eyes closed. When I mentioned the bat to the nurses, they pointed out the windows didn't open so there was no way a bat could enter. Hmmm!  Hallucinations, nightmares and delusions are common in hospital and can continue at home. Someone said they could see Turkish dancing girls in their room, another had an Aladdin experience on a magic carpet. I blame the betablocker I am on for nightmares at home while not asleep.

Lizard

When I got home and had a close look at myself in the bathroom I was shocked by the state I was in. Muscle-wasting was extreme after three weeks confined to bed. My body looked 20 years older. The skin on my chest was peeling in sheets. Why? Apparently hair, skin and nails are the lowest priority for the body when in major repair mode. Too sore to touch, I left it to sort itself out.

The incision

This came as no surprise but it was still a bit hard to take that it was permanently a feature of ME and not someone else. You cannot know in advance what your 'zipper' will be like. You have to accept this less attractive addition to your physionomy, however it ends up, as the price for staying alive. It seemed to be healing up fairly well but often with women there is a large 'pouch at the top'. Someone said it was tissue pulled there to start the stitching process as on many of us there is mostly skin and bone and not enough to attach to. I don't know if that is true. This was never discussed by doctors in advance. Mine is still there at two months. It is supremely painful at all times, tender and hates anything touching it, like clothing, but needs protecting from sun. I understand that over time it will flatten out. I sure hope so. The rest of my chest is super-sensitive or numb. Muscles, nerves and ligaments have been cut so they need to grow back but this doesn't always happen in an organised way, not like when they originally developed in the womb. 

I am happy that my sternum seems stable. Some folks feel it move and pop despite the stainless steel wires holding things together. Along with the main vertical incision, I have four other 'holes' in my torso. There are two rather unsightly ones below the main incision that were used to drain my chest. There is another on my right side on my ribs where another drain was in for my lungs. On the left is a smaller wound where a second lung drain had to go in later to drain fluid accumulating on my left lung (pleural effusion). The local anaesthetic for that incision was very painful. I am currently experimenting with my home-grown aloe vera leaves - smearing the inside gel on semi-healed areas to see if that aids skin healing. Note, healed does not mean without scarring.

The fridge

In the early days you really need to be mindful of what you are doing every second. Case in point: I tried to open the fridge door but the fridge had migrated to the left and I couldn't get my hand down the side to pull it open so I did what I would normally do. I endeavoured to pull the entire fridge to the right with my left fingers. Yep, just for a nanosecond I forgot I had had OHS but I was reminded VERY painfully immediately afterwards and every day since. I definitely put my left side chest on the healing back foot with that instant of carelessness. I am hoping it will eventually heal but my left pectoral and sternum are still very angry every second of the day and night. In fact sternal pain per se is rather worrying at present so I am looking forward to discussing this at my next checkup at the hospital. i do hope I haven't stuffed myself up.

Damaged vocal chords

Being inturbated in ICU for four days instead of one has had a distressing effect on my singing voice. It is currently munted. If I can weakly find the note, I can't hold it, it cuts out and only silence is left. There is no power or volume control and certainly no tone, just sounds like cotton wool. No control at all, though if I push hard I can get the right note. I will have to be patient and seek advice maybe from a vocal coach as I need to be able to sing as before.

Exercise

This is a biggie. There was so much weakness from being confined to bed I found I could not get onto the ground or get up. Walking down the hallway was shaky, everything physical was difficult. The only solution is to keep moving. Walking is the number one method to gently get better. Despite the nausea and dizziness I made sure I went for a short walk most days, accompanied in case I fell over. Be careful reaching and bending in the first weeks but eventually you need to test what you can do and do it, gradually introducing small tasks. I simply don't know my limits until I reach them.

Problems with medications

This one is massive and the bane of my life. I came home with a pharmacy which I had to swallow for breakfast and through the day. They are powerful drugs and they don't like hanging out together. They made me very ill and set back my healing process. More on that further down.

Ineffective home help 

I was visited by an organisation designed to help folks like me in the community, especially those of us who live alone. It is free but limited. Someone would arrive once a day Monday to Friday to help with exercise. The first two days consisted of doing little exercises (such as lifting my leg) standing at my kitchen island. This was not challenging, rather it was boring. I told them I needed to walk so from then on, weather permitting, I would go for a 15 minute accompanied walk. It wasn't easy but each couple of days I would try to extend it by the space of a few houses. Some of the walkers were happy to take 'shortcuts' and bugger off asap.

Meal prep assistance consisted of a total of 20 mins cutting vegetables. There was no cooking. I found myself getting stressed trying to work out what the person could do that would actually help, what sort of meal should be done? I still had to cook it. When I suggested to one helper that they harvest strawberries and raspberrries they had no idea what a strawberry plant with strawberries on it looked like. They had no concept of a salad spinner or how to chop spring onions. I decided that cutting potatoes in half into a steamer wasn't really helping me much. I eventually told the organisation not to bother. They were too inflexible; would not reduce the days but increase the time allowance for me. If I had any appetite at all I would try to eat healthy stuff but meat was often too heavy and I would resort to the easiest thing I could find - crisps and homegrown fruit, yoghurt. Severe nausea and lack of appetite is common.

I would have preferred a nurse to visit several times a week to check my vitals and reassure me. Instead I regularly had to pay to see a general practitioner to even have my blood pressure checked. Over the course of nearly 5 weeks at home I only had a nurse check me three times on a home visit. He was very good though.

Re-admission

 Despite three weeks post op in hospital followed by almost 3 weeks at home, I found I wasn't feeling much better. Pain in my stomach, bowel and chest increased to unbearable levels. In the wee small hours of my 67th birthday I desperately called Healthline to enquire if I should call an ambulance or not. I didn't want to over-react but I was desperate. I found the service inefficient and distressing as the call centre only asked preprepared questions after I had waited a very long time just for my call to be picked up. There was only one nurse on for the entire country. I was in a queue. It was 40 minutes before I got through to the nurse who ended up calling me an ambulance. The Rolleston one was busy in Akaroa so I had to wait for one from Christchurch. The guys were well trained and thorough. The emergency department is spacious (they could cope wth another disaster) but lacks the staffing so even via ambulance there is a lot of waiting, then the covid test, then the IV is inserted. One doctor didn't like the fact I knew about stuff and understood medical terminology but a young cardiologist listened to me and the nurses were kind, even sometimes holding my hand to calm my distress.

After a chest Xray showed my pleural effusion was resolving itself there was uncertainty about what could be causing such pain and nausea. I suggested they investigate the gastrointestinal angle. It was eventually agreed that the mountain of powerful meds was damaging my esophagus, stomach and bowel. A senior cardiologist reduced my med intake by 2/3 but recovery would take time. I stayed in hospital 3.5 days while they trialled things and tried to get my motionless for 8 days bowel to operate. All the nasty stuff failed so in the wee small hours of the final day they resorted to the Fleet enema. That helped a bit. Wish they had done that at the beginning. The senior cardiologist felt I should now be on the mend to cope alone at home but that I would have good days and bad days (so true). "I think you're going to be dangerous," he said as he left. Weeks later I am still trying to imagine that.

Insomnia

This is a huge problem for me, possibly caused by one of my meds blocking my melatonin. Something also interferes with the workings of sleeping pills so begging for those hasn't been a real solution. I don't know what is, as I get no healing sleep and have to handle the chest pain 24/7.

Psychological healing

This is another important aspect ignored by medical perssonnel. I knew that anxiety, depression and PTSD are common for OHS patients but individual attention by 'someone' is needed, especially if you live alone and don't have access to hugs and cuddles in your dark moments. On one very 'dark' evening I had to call a friend. He kindly popped over for a chat. The next day I was feeling better but there are random days when waves of anxiety wash over me for no apparent reason. This recovery period can be quite tortuous. Platitudes by well-meaning folks don't help. Company is needed and a listening ear though I found this rather restricted by covid precautions.

Contributions by friends after my daughter had gone back home

I found this awesome. I have few good friends, having moved around a lot in my life. Through my music I have met some folks who genuinely want to help in practical ways and this has been a bit of a life-saver for me: driving me to appointments, taking me to get my groceries, helping with lawn mowing and gardening and housework, popping over for a jam session, accompanying me on walks around the block, dropping off a meal. These forms of assistance and caring really have helped take some of the huge stress off coping on one's own. I will never forget the help I have received from friends and neighbours and I still need some help as it is  early days. It took me a week to adjust emotionally from spending a week at home with my daughter looking after me. I missed her terribly because she is the only person with whom I have a close emotional attachment but the support of friends and neigbours kept me going. At least I now have my driver license back. I have had to learn to accept help but I will always prefer to be independent, of course.

I have a long way to go and things could continue to challenge my fortitude but I really want to get back to the active life I had, without constant pain though (as is currently the case), tending my garden, performing with my bass and making new friends. 

In all this journey, it is friends and family who prove they can be counted on that have made such a positive contribution to my healing. Thank you, literally, from the bottom of my heart.

OHS The main event

[photo not of me]

The day finally arrived when I was admitted to Christchurch hospital 3pm the day before my newly scheduled open heart surgery. I had already wistfully said goodbye to my current physical body, knowing I would not look the same again. I was not particularly nervous this close to things as I simply followed what staff told me to do and adjusted to being in hospital. I'd had more time to be nervous in the lead-up. It is risky. I find it annoying when people say "Oh you'll be fine. It's so routine these days." Bullshit! It is NOT routine for anyone going through this and surgeons know anything can happen. And it did.

I had a chest Xray, blood tests and an IV put in (uggghh!). I never noticed when I 'went under' in the operating room the next day. I just thought it was quite a big room with medical personnel preparing equipment. The next thing I remember hearing was medical staff discussing which day it was. I went under on a Tuesday. Apparently it was now Saturday. I  could not understand how I had lost 4 days. My surgeon and registrar later explained: Things did not go as hoped. My surgeon tried to repair my mitral valve but found it was too far gone (no surprise there). She decided a bioprosthetic valve needed to replace it. I had already said NO to a mechanical valve as I don't want to be on blood thinners the rest of my life. The surgeon completed her work and went home. I was sent to ICU. I have stainless steel wires holding my sternum together. They are probably permanent

However, a few hours later she was called back to the hospital in urgency. I had to be opened up again. There was a blood clot and the edge of the pericardium had uncontrolled bleeding. There was also a lot of fluid pouring from the drain in my chest. These issues were corrected and I was sent back to ICU for an extended stay (originally expected 1 day). My poor daughter had to go through a very anxious time to see if I would pull through.

By day 4 in ICU they exturbated me. No wonder my voice is a mess at present and my throat is still sore. I remember catching a first glimpse of my hands back on Ward 10. They looked like puff balls. I was full of oedema but the meds gradually sorted that out. My days consisted of swallowing a horrendous amount of medication, being tortured by phlebotomists/vampires - many of whom failed to get a vein the first or second times they tried. My blood pressure was consistently low so I ended up with a couple of blood transfusions. My chest hurt. A lot. The main drains had been removed, the bladder catheter was removed once I was back on the ward but they took out one of my side drains and an IV line. Mistake. A few days later I had to have a procedure involving an incision in the side of my back to insert a new drain after waiting for blood thinners to clear my system. The local anaesthetic was truly painful. I think I vocally let them know I was not passively being sliced into again. Half a litre of fluid drained off the lung sac within 30 minutes so it was certainly necessary. The drain remained in for several days.

You don't get any sleep in hospital. There is too much groaning, coughing, farting, medical observations to be done, and pain. I had some morphine and paracetamol, that's all and by the time I left 3 weeks later, all I was allowed was paracetamol. The nurses were generally very nice. I quickly learned to refuse more blood test attempts each day if the phlebotomist couldn't get the needle in properly by the second attempt. I told them to go away and get someone competent. Most of the time this worked but by 3 weeks my arms were packing it in - black and blue with veins running for the hills.

The food is better than expected and I learned to wear adult pull-up underwear as the laxatives kicked in. Any coughing or sneezing meant I had to hug a folded sheet to try to protect my split sternum from the pressure. Yes, it hurts a lot. This is the most difficult physical thing I have gone through in my life. Some have it easier, some worse. I was a bit unlucky but I have survived and I mean to get better/ fitness-wise than I was before. That is going to take a lot of time and work and patience.

Covid 19 means you cannot have friends and family visit - just one designated person. My daughter arrived from Palmerston North. She had hoped to be down to look after me for 3 weeks after my operation but my very lengthy stay in hospital (3 weeks instead of 5-7 days) meant she spent most of her time at my place, on her own, trying not to get covid. Such a shame.

Thank you to those of you who followed posts on my progress. Although I was too weak t participate on Facebook I did read the comments. My next blogpost will look at the process of going home and trying to rebuild body and psyche.

Photo not of me.

OHS-Leaving the old life for the new

 

 Being in a queue for open heart surgery requires emotional adjustments. It has been a long and challenging road from speaking to a heart surgeon in October, through months of no date for surgery, to a then cancelled date. Now I'm hoping it is finally going to happen.

Don't get me wrong, I am in no hurry to have my chest and ribs cracked open and all that goes with that. I like the way my chest looks and feels but I know that this current life is very finite. I feel the mortality growing each day as I become more breathless, lose more muscle mass and become more and more sedentary with lower quality of life. 

There is a lot of open heart surgery done in NZ and around the world but for ME this is not routine. I have no truck with platitudes and prayers. This is the most dangerous thing I have ever undergone. Statistics do not apply well to individuals so I joined a couple of Facebook support groups:  The Zipper Club   https://www.facebook.com/groups/2256590992/?hoisted_section_header_type=recently_seen&multi_permalinks=10159656997055993

Heart valve surgery support group https://www.facebook.com/groups/2256590992/?hoisted_section_header_type=recently_seen&multi_permalinks=10159656997055993

It takes a bit to get your head around this mortal thing where for the first time in my life, my heart will not be beating. It will be chopped, stitched and literally in the hands of a human being I do not know but who has skills and commitment to see me through. Hope, trust and faith in a large team of medical staff to work together for the best outcome is necessary.

I expect things to go well, that the team will perform their best work and that nothing untoward will happen. However, back in October, the surgeon did say she could have an 'oops' moment. In that case, if she destroys a coronary artery while trying to rectify the valve problem I will end up with an additional procedure -coronary artery graft harvested from my body. (See video below)

The vascular sonographer mapped my legs. I had already told her I didn't want any harvesting from my arms and chest as I am a bass player. She could see where I had had lower leg vein surgery in France years ago. "They've done a nice job," she said. I agree.  "What fine (petite) veins you have," she added. Yes, I know, it is often a problem. Upon investigation with her lubricant and transducer, she decided my left thigh offered the best vein to be harvested. She used a gangrenous green marker pen to draw the position, diagonally across the entire length of my inner thigh. That would be one hell of an incision. The sternotomy is more than enough, thanks. Let's hope it doesn't come to that but, hey, shit happens. When I had to sign the consent form I had to consent for an entire page length of consequences/problems, some of them fatal.

Unfortunately my delayed surgery date in February got cancelled so I have been 'babysitting' the drawing for the past 10 days: touching up the drawing with the marker pen the sonographer gave me, wrapping my thigh in gladwrap when I wanted to shower. So far so good.

The hospital told me I will be tested for covid on arrival. If I am positive I will be sent home. I thought the better part of valour might be discretion so I've been in total seclusion - seeing no-one, going nowhere. Titivating the garden, eliminating cobwebs in the garage, harvesting and processing from my garden and completing a 1000 piece jigsaw of the Fellowship of the Ring have kept me occupied. Covid means I am not allowed any support person with me when I check in. I don't know about visitors. They might be banned too.

I've needed to keep occupied as I deal with facing this on my own, getting my head in a good space. When my heart stops that's the end of my former life. When it starts up again it will be the beginning of a very new one. Like dying; to be reborn. I intend to fill the new life with lots more interesting experiences, I hope one day fate will allow me to visit France again while alive, I'm ready to progress my bass playing as far as others will allow me to go. Bring on the stadium rock gig, I say. I look forward to meeting new folks, new friends, to seeing Mon Paradis so much more established, accumulating new hobbies, revisiting others, learning, learning all the time - that's how you know you really are alive.

I will be in for a punishing physical time for a bit but one that, I hope, will ultimately see me fitter than I have been in decades. I must push, and be patient. Thank you to those who have kept in touch recently, checking up on me, letting me know I do not operate in a vacuum. What an adventure. I've had so many but this one is likely to be the biggest. I'm walking away from that old life I have documented in so much detail, walking in only one direction - to the new life I want. I mean to make it count!

I have added some videos in case you or a friend or family need to go through this at some stage.

Short video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDmlWAaDxVg

Longer video on hospital stay process https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7G8cAJchuw  

and another one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjdgH8SNz08 

Coronary graft where heart is NOT stopped. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U637W8ywao 

Revisiting Canterbury Museum

It has been decades since I visited the Canterbury Museum, Christchurch. Both the museum and I have had our share of adventures in the interim. I had memories of certain exhibits but expected some changes. There have been repurposing of spaces and renovations, of course.

It is still free (for the most part), a good thing. I was keen to revisit the old Christchurch Street replica. The horse and carriage are no longer there. Instead there is a horse designed to be 'resistent' to parents putting their children on it, which they do. No carriage. Charm considerably lessened. Most of the shops I remembered where still there. I know a lot more about Christchurch history and household items of the 19th century, both in NZ and France so it was interesting to compare. 

I especially liked the  plates and was able to look at the old rifle section with a bit of experience from seeing similar ones in France.

Somehow I didn't notice much in terms of paleontology and prehistory such as all the moas and fossils. Maybe they moved them or reduced the size of the exhibits. 

They had a temporary exhibition about one of Chrichurch's important past photographic studios. No doubt some visitors may have recognised themselves. I was more interested in a photo that showed High Street around the time of my late childhood and adolescence.

You can meet animals from all over the world in Fur, Fangs and Feathers. While I thought the exhibits were of very good quality I wondered what the point was in displaying stuffed animals from other parts of the world. I don't think we ever had lions and bears here in our breakaway from Gondwanaland. Quite a lot of space is given over to this. I would rather have seen more on NZ natural history. Perhaps this is only a semi-permanent exhibit?

 However, there are some of the tried and true exhibits I remember from my childhood STILL on display. They are timeless. Some joker had put a toy Christmas gnome in one of the exhibits. Rather incongruous and jarring so I couldn't really take a photo of the display.

The geology bits are rather shoved to one side and look like an after thought though quite interesting in view of the seismic activity Christchurch has been subjected to in the past 11 years.

A great deal of space was given over to a rather odd exhibition by a photographer with an odd bent for the bizarre and somewhat deranged. it was set up so that visitors could insert themselves into the scene and take pictures of themselves. I didn't though I imagine some visitors would enjoy this - Isolation Hotel is a multidisciplinary work combining photography, performance, installation and set design. Heather Straka, an Auckland-based artist, has recreated the look and feel of a 1930s German hotel foyer, once opulent and now run-down. I found it, again, rather incongruous inside the museum, taking up such a lot of space too. It's temporary so I don't know what will go back in its place.

I enjoyed the display of period furniture.It doesn't have much that is truly old though. Most is barely 100 years old. I could recognise household items (non-furniture) my grandmother had.

It was good to see the costume section with day-wear and evening-wear as well as military and clergical dress.

Around a corner I was surprised to come across an excellent exhibit on what it was like to have your photo taken in Victorian and Edwardian times. Nicely dressed display with genuine artifacts.

No doubt I will pop back to the museum another time to see if they have moved things around and brought out new/old bits from storage. It's an imimate place full of interesting info and things to see. It doesn't have to be impressive to be enjoyable.

 

Preparing for Open Heart Surgery

 I have a severely leaking mitral valve. Every time my heart beats much of the blood pumped from this valve between the left atrium and left ventricle flows backwards, requiring my heart to exert itself much more than it should. The left atrium receives oxygen-rich blood from the lungs and pumps it to the left ventricle through the mitral valve. The left ventricle pumps the oxygen-rich blood through the aortic valve out to the rest of the body. This would explain why  throughout my life my body never felt fresh and energetic. There is a significant murmur and I am now very fatigued, sometimes dizzy and have long-lasting palpitations. I have been told I need Open Heart Surgery now. Here are the things you need to prepare for Open Heart Surgery.

 A little over three months ago I had a meeting with the cardio-thoracic surgeon who would be sawing through my ribcage, putting me on bypass and stopping my heart to replace the defective valve. I was told I would need to choose between a mechanical or a tissue valve. Both options have post-op issues. Originally leaning towards a mechanical valve I changed my mind after doing considerable research. I have since signed the consent form for this, had an angiogram, spent a fortune on drafting a new will and enduring powers of attorney, and compiled an Advance Directive with the support of my GP in case things go wrong now and in the future. I have discussed all this with my daughter so she can understand what decisions to make on my behalf, if necessary. I hope she never has to use these documents (all except my will are available to medical staff throughout NZ to refer to) but we should all be responsible parents to help our children deal with bad things that inevitably come along. I considered contemplating my possible demise or incapacity part of my pre-op preparation.

I also met various surgical registrars including the one who will be wiring my chest back together and sewing me up, as well as a number of nursing specialists.

In addition, you must have a clearance letter from a dentist confirming there are no outstanding treatments such as cleaning, fillings, loose teeth, gum disease likely in the next six months as dental issues can result in serious cardiac consequences including death. I have done everything possible to be ready for surgery at any time.

Another part of the prep was having lots of blood tests, height, weight and blood pressure regularly recorded and also undergoing a transoesophageal echocardiogram

TOE or TEE transesophageal echocardiogram is done by inserting a probe with a transducer down the esophagus. This provides a clearer image of the heart because the sound waves do not have to pass through skin, muscle, or bone tissue. Echo shows the size and shape of the heart and how well the heart chambers and valves are working. Echo can pinpoint areas of heart muscle that aren't contracting well, detect blood clots and guide treatment for arrhythmias (abnormal heartbeats) and many other heart conditions.

Risks

• Damage to the esophagus, including bleeding or a tear (very rare)
• Reaction to the medication used to relax patients during the procedure, including nausea and difficulty breathing (see my recollections below)
  
• Sore throat after the procedure
   

  Before the procedure 
• The doctor will explain the procedure and offer the opportunity to ask any questions about the procedure
• You will be asked to sign a consent form that gives permission to do the test.
• Fasting prior to the procedure is required. 
  
• Notify the doctor if you are allergic to or sensitive to medications, local anesthesia, or latex
• Notify the doctor of all medications (prescription and over-the-counter) and herbal supplements patients are taking
• Notify the doctor if you have a history of bleeding disorders or if you are taking any anticoagulant (blood-thinning) medications, aspirin, or other medications that affect blood clotting. It may be necessary to stop some of these medications prior to the procedure
• The doctor will require a blood test prior to the procedure to determine how long it takes the blood to clot. Other blood tests may be done as well
• Notify the doctor if you have heart valve disease, a congenital heart condition, or a history of endocarditis (infection of the heart valves) as you may need to receive an antibiotic prior to the procedure
• You receive a sedative prior to the procedure to help with relaxation. Patients need to arrange transportation after the procedure

My recollections are as follows: 

A luer or IV was inserted in my arm. I was wheeled to a small room where I was asked to hold a very viscous liquid in my mouth for at least 2 minutes and to gargle where possible, after they had already sprayed the back of my throat with an anaesthetic. I was then told to very slowly allow the gluggy stuff to slide down my oesophagus. 

I had to then turn onto my left side and a plastic mouth piece with a hole in the middle was inserted into my mouth. This can make you feel anxious, claustrophobic or make you want to gag because you know what's coming next. Fortunately they have the strong sedative kick in at this point. A tube with an ultrasound transducer is then pushed all the way down your throat and food pipe until it lies behind the heart (see links to detailed videos below).

I gradually woke up in the cath lab. I expected to be able to go home around lunchtime. Ha! They gave me a sandwich and a cup of tea. That was great as I hadn't had anything to eat for 15 hours. They took out the IV line. The registrar simply said that doctors were debating now whether to repair or replace the valve. Hey? I said I had always been told it was too severe a situation for repair and that I did not want a repair that would only last a few months or a year before I would be opened up again. " We wouldn't do that to you," said the registrar. But I know perfectly well repairs don't always hold well even though a good repair is preferable to replacement. I have received no details on my TOE/TEE at all. 

As I stood up to get dressed I became very dizzy and disoriented and vomitted rather violently. Nursing staff said no way could I go home like that as I was having a bad reaction to the anaesthesia. The nurses said I must have a new IV put in (I hate those painful things) so they could pump liquids into me asap to flush out the toxic sedatives and rehydrate me. After five additional hours I was wheeled down to the hospital entrance to be picked up and taken home, clutching a plastic container for my nausea. Sick as a dog it took about 48 hours to come right at home.

Open heart surgery is not for the 'faint-of-heart'. Yeah, silly joke but true. I have joined the Zipper Club on Facebook which is a group of people having OHS or their loved ones are living through it. While it may seem routine major surgery these days things go wrong more often than you would think and there can be some distressing ongoing consequences for some patients. I am pretty clued-up now on these.

Living alone as I do with no deep emotional relationship to lean on nor family nearby, spending most days of the week without human contact makes dealing with such a major event emotionally challenging. I have still not received a date for the surgery which I would have expected by now. I cannot plan to do anything, no-one feels they can count on me being around to play my bass and as a result musical opportunities (my lifeline) have evaporated. I am in limbo, indefinitely is how it feels. I try to see each day of this current life as a bonus and enjoy my sternum being pain free with no massive scar but I can't humanly keep that thinking 24/7. This situation is certainly one of the biggies for me.
Very quick snapshot https://medmovie.com/library_id/3190/topic/cvml_0186i/

For those of you interested in medical/scientific  details   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU3TRfnO7tI